Every coach sees the game.
Not every coach sees the car ride home.
The scoreboard is final.
The stats are logged.
The film is reviewed.
But the emotional processing begins long after the final whistle.
I’ve sat in those car rides.
Sometimes the tears were about playing time.
Sometimes about one mistake.
Sometimes about not performing to their own impossible standard.
What I learned quickly is this:
Most high-achieving athletes are not struggling because they don’t care.
They’re struggling because they care too much.
The Pressure Is Often Internal
Female athletes in particular carry a quiet intensity.
They want to be dependable.
They want to be coachable.
They want to be strong.
They want to avoid disappointing anyone.
And when performance dips, they don’t blame effort.
They question identity.
“I should be better.”
“I let everyone down.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
That internal dialogue is rarely visible from the sideline.
But it is loud in the car.
It’s Not About Being Less Emotional
Athletes do not need to be less emotional.
They need better tools.
When pressure rises and mistakes happen, emotion is normal. What determines performance is what happens next.
Do they spiral?
Or do they reset?
Do they replay the mistake all night?
Or do they extract the lesson and move forward?
Without structure, emotion turns into hesitation.
With structure, emotion turns into information.
The Shift That Changes Everything
One of the first things I teach is awareness of the shift.
The dropped shoulders.
The eye roll.
The slow jog back to position.
The internal replay starting in their head.
That is the moment.
That is where performance either unravels or strengthens.
Then we train the reset.
Forget faster.
Reset and respond.
“Serve me again.”
“Give me the ball.”
“You got me once. You won’t get me twice.”
That shift changes seasons.
Not because mistakes disappear.
But because recovery gets faster.
What Coaches Can’t Always See
Most coaches are focused on game performance. The technical. The hit crossbar. The missed foul shot.
All the things they they should be worried about.
But what isn’t always visible is the emotional weight athletes carry privately.
The fear of disappointing.
The pressure of expectations.
The comparison.
The perfectionism.
When those patterns go untrained, talent becomes inconsistent.
When those patterns are addressed intentionally, athletes stabilize.
The car ride home gets lighter.
Confidence becomes more durable.
Performance becomes more reliable.
This Is Trainable
The mental side of sport is not personality. It is skill.
Emotional regulation.
Reset language.
Composure under pressure.
Separating feedback from identity.
These are not traits some athletes have and others don’t.
They are trained.
And when they are trained, the game looks different.
Not louder.
Not flashier.
Stronger.
More stable.
More composed.
If you recognize this in your athletes, it’s not a character flaw.
It’s a skill gap.
And skill gaps can be trained.
If you’re seeing this pattern in your athletes, let’s build the tools that help them reset, respond, and compete with confidence.
